please make him wise
and stronger than me
I'll leave you a fruitcake
under the tree!

and oh yes, I forgot
(too much sun)
please make him Danish
brawney and young

please bring me nuts!
crunchy and firm
I do love them so
(they so make me squirm)

I swear I'll be good
the rest of the year
I can handle one week
Santa, dear

and fill my stocking
way up to the brim
with nylons and oils
I can use on him

toss in pink bulbs
(twenty five watts)
and oh yes, Santa
one thing I forgot!

a bottle of merlot
some bagels and lox
rechargable batteries
and gimme Botox!

I swear I've been good
(most of the time)
I cybered just ONCE
is that such a crime?

I'm sick of being
alone on the shelf
that guy who IM'ed me?
was one of your elfs!

so Santa you owe me
and I'm rather pissed
so just wrap a rolex
'round my little wrist!

I am not greedy
and I am not well
my life is lacking
'tis a virtual hell!

don't mean to be pushy
don't mean to be rude
but I have just HAD it
are you hearing me, dude?

now listen up, Santa
I've no time to waste
so let's have a pow-wow
and cut to the chase

you want to give
and I seem to lack
so show me the goods
in old Santa's sack!

Santa, say what?
I have been... bad?
are you quite crazy?
have you gone mad??

where is that Dane?
and where is my watch!
well alrighty then
forget the Botox!@#@!

okay, so I'm busted
but ya know, Santa dear
must I beg you?
year after year?

because I remember
you once spoiled me
and all that I wanted
I found 'neath my tree!!

the truth is, Claus
I need someone near
to cherish and love
oh please, Santa dear

just send me a man
to take care of me
the kind who will trim
my bare Christmas tree!

okay, okay
hell with the watch
I'll forfeit the wine
keep the damn lox!

just leave me a man
and I'll be just fine
the fruitcake is yours!
(but the Botox is mine.)